Post by lily tomlinson on Sept 29, 2008 13:04:14 GMT -8
The end of the school day at last, and Lily was exhausted. All she wanted was to get outside, relish in the fading nature around her, take comfort in the trees, the grounds, the soft breeze that was flitting about outside. School was like a prison to her, so many hormonal minds, too many people, and too many concrete walls trapping her inside.
In her first life, she'd hated being stuck in classes, for the temple had been much the same as school was now. Being stuck in a dull classroom, with all the students' worries berating her mind, and no way to get back into nature. But there was something then, that in the present was fading. With the pollution, all the man made structures shooting up into the skies, the Earth was dying. There was so little wildlife left, especially in this city of lights and sound and activity. The trees had been cut down, the deserts wiped clean for places of bars and casinos. She missed being able to run free, to play in her element, to take refuge there when things went sour.
It was with a feeling of loss and exhaustion that she trudged her way, nondescript, through the crowded hallways of the high school and out the front doors. Many stopped to play and talk with their friends, cheering the end of another school day. Lily's cheers were silent, but if one took notice, they could see the sudden smoothing of the lines in her face, a soft smile as she took in a deep breath, picking past the pollution to take in the unique smell of heated air, dirt and trees.
Now this was more like it.
Shifting her bag into a more comfortable station for walking, she raised her head to see her way around a group of especially loud girls. She was always happy to be free of this place. Too loud. Too much activity. She just didn't fit in. But as she raised her head to look out through the crowd, she froze. For moment, she swore she saw...
The crowd shifted, and by the time it parted again, the familiar face was gone. Her eyes scanned the crowd as she frantically pushed her way through, searching for a glimpse of blonde hair, finely structured feminine face, a face that was quite like her own. But she could find the woman nowhere.
"Mama?"
No one stopped to look at her at her mumbled question, no one really noticed as she slipped around bodies and backpacks. Nor would she have noticed if they had, so intent was she on finding the person she was looking for. But by the time she'd reached the edge of the crowd, she still hadn't caught sight of her. Had she been hallucinating? But why would she imagine seeing her mother? Of all people, she was the last person she would think she'd see.
The last time she'd seen her mother had been when she was twelve. And before that, 5. And before that.... well, there hadn't been a time before that. Maybe when she was born, but that wasn't very likely. Her mother was a secret she'd kept from all the friends she'd made, a part of her life she'd found to hard to admit to. It was painful to think of, and in honesty, she was ashamed, both of her mother and herself.
Rose Aberforth, otherwise known as Lily's Mother, had been a drug addict, always selling herself in order to get her fix. Lily didn't even know who her father was, and during Rose's pregnancy, there were too many men to even begin to search. And she never once gave up her first love, Hemlock, a witch's choice intoxicant. Lily had been born dependent on the drug, and had been taken from her mother, put into a special ward for protection. That was the first time her mother had left her.
For a while she'd been kept in the hospital, but her aunt had taken custody in Rose's disappearance. And each time Rose would reappear, she'd not once been clean. Lily, always wishing to have a mother's love and care, always the friendly, hopeful, insecure kid, had always taken to her mother. Trusted her, loved her, despite Rose's problems. And each time her mother left, each time she nearly killed herself over drugs, Lily's heart was broken.
The last time, when she was twelve, had been the deal breaker. Watching her mother fall into a seizure, overdose on Hemlock, and then nearly die in the hospital had been the worst fear she'd ever experienced in this life. And then when her mother had run from the hospital, leaving Lily with little care for her well-being, she swore she'd never trust again. Decided she didn't need a mother, didn't need to rely on anyone but herself. She steeled herself against her hopes and the love she had for her mother.
But though she put on a strong front, kept the secret well-hidden, she had never gotten over it. She was ashamed of herself, always insecure, wondering why she couldn't even have a mother who loved her. She was angry and hurt. And even deeper, in a part that she couldn't even admit to herself, she still hoped. She hoped that one day her mother would come back, clean, a real mother, and that maybe she could have the mother she'd desperately wanted as a child. Maybe her mother would one day care, one day love her.
But that still didn't explain why she was suddenly hallucinating out of the blue. Things weren't bad for her right now. She had Rui, Maelstrom. She was happy.
But a nagging part of her new that there was still a part of her, that little girl who'd been left so many times by a loveless mother, who was still crying out for her mother to come back. But she knew better than to give in to that part. Knew that even if her mother had come back, it was worth nothing. Her mother's appearances were evanescent, too liable to fade as soon as Lily began to open up her heart again.
She would not trust. She would not give into the little girl's wishes. The last time had been breaking, trying enough. She didn't know if she could handle it, if it were to happen again.
Sucking in a deep breath, pulling her shoulders upward in a defensive position, she pulled her bag to her stomach and turned onto the sidewalk. She would put this out of her mind, keep it to herself and deal with it. This wasn't something she could talk about, or deal with right now, and there was no reason to. She would just go to work and pretend like nothing was wrong.
But as she walked away from the school and along the familiar streets that led to her work, she couldn't help but feel as if something was following her. She felt the crawl of eyes along her spine, swore she could hear soft, stealthy footsteps as they mirrored her own. With a slight note of hysteria in her thoughts, and a definite side of paranoia, she spun around.
Her heart seemed to stutter in her chest, her breath hitching, but she managed to keep her face at least marginally calm.
She hadn't been hallucinating.
"Why?" was all she managed to get out before her throat locked up on her.
Her mother stood there, a look of contrite apology etched on her face. Last time she'd seen her, she'd looked like hell. The drugs had managed to affect her physical appearance, making her look like a rail, her skin blotched and misshapen, her hair stringly, her eyes dulled. But she looked good, actually good. Normal. Motherly. Her hair was the same brown as Lily's, just as glossy, and smoothed into a nice style. Her skin was unblemished, but she wore long sleeves, so Lily couldn't see the old scars, or new ones, of track marks. She looked....
"I'm clean," Rose said softly, as if she were afraid to be speaking. "For almost a year now. I wanted to..."
Lily swallowed, taking a step back as her mother moved forward. Rose had never been clean before. How could she trust such a thing.
"I waited, because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't fall again before coming," Rose went on. She'd stopped coming forward the moment Lily had backed away. "I wanted to be secure. So I could focus on you. I...." She trailed off, looking around as students passed by them, giving them curious glances. She even bit her lip as Lily often tended to do when she was nervous, or deep in thought.
Lily looked down at the ground, her heart pounding against her rib cage. Could she trust her? No. Could she forgive her for the past? No. She wouldn't. But that part of her that wanted to try, to give in and have a mom, was surprisingly strong. But she wouldn't fall. She couldn't do this again. She wasn't strong enough for this.
And she was scared.
"Could we... Can I get you some coffee? Please. I just want to talk," Rose pressed, sounding desperate, and nervous. "I missed you. I want to know how my little girl has been. Just a coffee, and if you don't want to ever see me after that, I'll understand. Please, just give me a chance."
The pleading broke Lily's heart, and she almost gave in. But she knew better. She knew this game, it happened every time. The begging, the manipulations. But she'd never been clean.... But it was the same. It had to be.
It didn't make Lily want to give in any less, though. She wanted a mother.
"I can't," she murmured, stumbling back another few steps. "You've had your chances. I just... I can't do this. I can't."
"Lily..."
But Lily continued to stumble, turning away and moving as quickly as she could on shaking legs. She didn't stop for the pleading, she couldn't or she would give in. She heard Rose try to follow, but the moment she'd realized, she'd taken off at a run, darting around students and heading for home. Work could wait, but for now, she needed the comfort of her familiar room, needed to be alone. And she didn't want anyone to know how hard this was for her. She didn't want anyone to see her cry.
In her first life, she'd hated being stuck in classes, for the temple had been much the same as school was now. Being stuck in a dull classroom, with all the students' worries berating her mind, and no way to get back into nature. But there was something then, that in the present was fading. With the pollution, all the man made structures shooting up into the skies, the Earth was dying. There was so little wildlife left, especially in this city of lights and sound and activity. The trees had been cut down, the deserts wiped clean for places of bars and casinos. She missed being able to run free, to play in her element, to take refuge there when things went sour.
It was with a feeling of loss and exhaustion that she trudged her way, nondescript, through the crowded hallways of the high school and out the front doors. Many stopped to play and talk with their friends, cheering the end of another school day. Lily's cheers were silent, but if one took notice, they could see the sudden smoothing of the lines in her face, a soft smile as she took in a deep breath, picking past the pollution to take in the unique smell of heated air, dirt and trees.
Now this was more like it.
Shifting her bag into a more comfortable station for walking, she raised her head to see her way around a group of especially loud girls. She was always happy to be free of this place. Too loud. Too much activity. She just didn't fit in. But as she raised her head to look out through the crowd, she froze. For moment, she swore she saw...
The crowd shifted, and by the time it parted again, the familiar face was gone. Her eyes scanned the crowd as she frantically pushed her way through, searching for a glimpse of blonde hair, finely structured feminine face, a face that was quite like her own. But she could find the woman nowhere.
"Mama?"
No one stopped to look at her at her mumbled question, no one really noticed as she slipped around bodies and backpacks. Nor would she have noticed if they had, so intent was she on finding the person she was looking for. But by the time she'd reached the edge of the crowd, she still hadn't caught sight of her. Had she been hallucinating? But why would she imagine seeing her mother? Of all people, she was the last person she would think she'd see.
The last time she'd seen her mother had been when she was twelve. And before that, 5. And before that.... well, there hadn't been a time before that. Maybe when she was born, but that wasn't very likely. Her mother was a secret she'd kept from all the friends she'd made, a part of her life she'd found to hard to admit to. It was painful to think of, and in honesty, she was ashamed, both of her mother and herself.
Rose Aberforth, otherwise known as Lily's Mother, had been a drug addict, always selling herself in order to get her fix. Lily didn't even know who her father was, and during Rose's pregnancy, there were too many men to even begin to search. And she never once gave up her first love, Hemlock, a witch's choice intoxicant. Lily had been born dependent on the drug, and had been taken from her mother, put into a special ward for protection. That was the first time her mother had left her.
For a while she'd been kept in the hospital, but her aunt had taken custody in Rose's disappearance. And each time Rose would reappear, she'd not once been clean. Lily, always wishing to have a mother's love and care, always the friendly, hopeful, insecure kid, had always taken to her mother. Trusted her, loved her, despite Rose's problems. And each time her mother left, each time she nearly killed herself over drugs, Lily's heart was broken.
The last time, when she was twelve, had been the deal breaker. Watching her mother fall into a seizure, overdose on Hemlock, and then nearly die in the hospital had been the worst fear she'd ever experienced in this life. And then when her mother had run from the hospital, leaving Lily with little care for her well-being, she swore she'd never trust again. Decided she didn't need a mother, didn't need to rely on anyone but herself. She steeled herself against her hopes and the love she had for her mother.
But though she put on a strong front, kept the secret well-hidden, she had never gotten over it. She was ashamed of herself, always insecure, wondering why she couldn't even have a mother who loved her. She was angry and hurt. And even deeper, in a part that she couldn't even admit to herself, she still hoped. She hoped that one day her mother would come back, clean, a real mother, and that maybe she could have the mother she'd desperately wanted as a child. Maybe her mother would one day care, one day love her.
But that still didn't explain why she was suddenly hallucinating out of the blue. Things weren't bad for her right now. She had Rui, Maelstrom. She was happy.
But a nagging part of her new that there was still a part of her, that little girl who'd been left so many times by a loveless mother, who was still crying out for her mother to come back. But she knew better than to give in to that part. Knew that even if her mother had come back, it was worth nothing. Her mother's appearances were evanescent, too liable to fade as soon as Lily began to open up her heart again.
She would not trust. She would not give into the little girl's wishes. The last time had been breaking, trying enough. She didn't know if she could handle it, if it were to happen again.
Sucking in a deep breath, pulling her shoulders upward in a defensive position, she pulled her bag to her stomach and turned onto the sidewalk. She would put this out of her mind, keep it to herself and deal with it. This wasn't something she could talk about, or deal with right now, and there was no reason to. She would just go to work and pretend like nothing was wrong.
But as she walked away from the school and along the familiar streets that led to her work, she couldn't help but feel as if something was following her. She felt the crawl of eyes along her spine, swore she could hear soft, stealthy footsteps as they mirrored her own. With a slight note of hysteria in her thoughts, and a definite side of paranoia, she spun around.
Her heart seemed to stutter in her chest, her breath hitching, but she managed to keep her face at least marginally calm.
She hadn't been hallucinating.
"Why?" was all she managed to get out before her throat locked up on her.
Her mother stood there, a look of contrite apology etched on her face. Last time she'd seen her, she'd looked like hell. The drugs had managed to affect her physical appearance, making her look like a rail, her skin blotched and misshapen, her hair stringly, her eyes dulled. But she looked good, actually good. Normal. Motherly. Her hair was the same brown as Lily's, just as glossy, and smoothed into a nice style. Her skin was unblemished, but she wore long sleeves, so Lily couldn't see the old scars, or new ones, of track marks. She looked....
"I'm clean," Rose said softly, as if she were afraid to be speaking. "For almost a year now. I wanted to..."
Lily swallowed, taking a step back as her mother moved forward. Rose had never been clean before. How could she trust such a thing.
"I waited, because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't fall again before coming," Rose went on. She'd stopped coming forward the moment Lily had backed away. "I wanted to be secure. So I could focus on you. I...." She trailed off, looking around as students passed by them, giving them curious glances. She even bit her lip as Lily often tended to do when she was nervous, or deep in thought.
Lily looked down at the ground, her heart pounding against her rib cage. Could she trust her? No. Could she forgive her for the past? No. She wouldn't. But that part of her that wanted to try, to give in and have a mom, was surprisingly strong. But she wouldn't fall. She couldn't do this again. She wasn't strong enough for this.
And she was scared.
"Could we... Can I get you some coffee? Please. I just want to talk," Rose pressed, sounding desperate, and nervous. "I missed you. I want to know how my little girl has been. Just a coffee, and if you don't want to ever see me after that, I'll understand. Please, just give me a chance."
The pleading broke Lily's heart, and she almost gave in. But she knew better. She knew this game, it happened every time. The begging, the manipulations. But she'd never been clean.... But it was the same. It had to be.
It didn't make Lily want to give in any less, though. She wanted a mother.
"I can't," she murmured, stumbling back another few steps. "You've had your chances. I just... I can't do this. I can't."
"Lily..."
But Lily continued to stumble, turning away and moving as quickly as she could on shaking legs. She didn't stop for the pleading, she couldn't or she would give in. She heard Rose try to follow, but the moment she'd realized, she'd taken off at a run, darting around students and heading for home. Work could wait, but for now, she needed the comfort of her familiar room, needed to be alone. And she didn't want anyone to know how hard this was for her. She didn't want anyone to see her cry.
